TIME-TRAVELER BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz
on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler
from the year 2256!
Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old
Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the
stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.
"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar,"
says an SEC insider, "but the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in
two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he
made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be
pure luck. The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's
going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."
"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that
was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance,"
says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.
Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the
future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst
stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of
stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.
In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts"
such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.
Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC
source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing
anywhere before December 2002." Full Story
At least it gives us hope that corporate AMERICA lives and breathes in the future!
Posted by: Lorna on March 31, 2003 06:39 PMIt looks to be an early April Fools post or just the same smarmy crap you regularly see on the bloids.
Posted by: Andy on March 31, 2003 07:35 PMI'd like to get in touch with Andrew Carlssin. Do you know where he can be reached?
Posted by: Amanda on April 1, 2003 08:24 AMya know...there has been some odd things occuring all over the world, in the past 10 yrs especially. Many of which are given scientific obsurdities which are more unbelievable than the event being prognosticated. This is something you want to believe especially when we aren't too far off from applying principles from paper to actual prototypes. It makes sense why he didn't play the lotto!!! There is more on heaven and earth than dreampt of in our philosophy, says shakespeare. Think about it. Peace out
Posted by: Christopher on April 1, 2003 09:32 AM
This is an internet myth.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,630-627115,00.html
"The SEC has never heard of Carlssin, and several “facts” are plainly untrue. "
Posted by: Luther on April 2, 2003 07:51 AMIt has to be true, it was on the web!
Posted by: Sparky on April 2, 2003 11:25 AMWait, you mean the Weekly World News prints stories that are untrue??!!
Posted by: Valleri on April 3, 2003 03:26 PM